Where to Live

The kids and I were narrowing down choices of where to move, since we really do not like this state. Actually the state isn't so bad.  It's the cold weather we hate.

Baking Soda Face and Body Scrub

In the shower, while rinsing off my hair, I noticed that my back felt clean before I even washed it.  Later I researched it and discovered that many people wash with simple items like baking soda or Dr. Bronners (straight or watered down).

New Lawyer Time

Last time I talked to the lawyer, he made a snarky comment implying that DH hiding money and treating me like I'm stupid was somehow my fault.  At the time I let it go thinking I was being sensitive, but the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me.  Then he made a comment about how much DH makes per year.  He implied that I was exaggerating despite the fact I have the IRS print outs for the past 5 years.

Remineralizing DD3's Teeth

  My youngest daughter (DD3) has had mouth problems her entire life.  Throughout her 23 years, we have literally spent thousands trying to make her mouth and teeth work correctly.  More recently her teeth have become extremely sensitive to anything other than lukewarm food.  Sugar saturated foods make her teeth hurt, but no cavities can be found by our family dentist.  I think the sugar thing is actually a good thing, though she doesn't.

Beyond "No Poo and MSG"

After my success with the "no poo" and MSG-free hair washing, the next logical step was conditioning it.

The MSG Rebellion Continues

After discovering MSG is in body washes and shampoos, along with soy, I began to look for alternatives for my daughter and me (I? - whatever).  This search led me through the unlit back alleys of the internet into a subculture I hadn't really looked into much: the "greenies".

Updates

  It's been a while since I posted anything, so I'll do some quick updates.

HAE

I took my son to the allergist, because within 7 days he had three episodes of his lips swelling and one of his foot swelling up.  It looked like he was having an allergic reaction to something.  The facial swelling greatly worried me.

The allergist said, "I want to send your son to the hospital for some blood work.  I don't think it's an allergic reaction.  I think it's Hereditary Angioedema (HAE)."

Drama with Llamas

Or in this case - family.  Hey, some have hair that could get them mistaken for a llama.

Grr

Nothing like another stunt to get me going.

Withdrawing

I sit here just staring at this blank post.  Well, now not so blank.  So much has happened.  So much is going to happen.  Yet I can't seem to put any of it to "paper".   This time, fighting the "withdraw from everyone" response has been harder.   I'm not sure I want to fight it, really.   It's so less stressful when I'm not around others.

House

I've decided to blow my house up.

Thinking

Quite a few things have happened in the past few weeks that have me thinking about my life and my future.

My Boxer

I started another post, but my Boxer's cough started getting worse which has distracted me.  10 days ago, I took him into the vet.  It's a practice with several vets, but they're usually good about keeping animals with the same vet.  However, his vet wasn't in.

Done Homeschooling

My youngest graduated high school a year earlier than originally planned.  I am very proud of him.   He chose a laptop as his graduation present.  That wasn't a problem since I've been saving for it since he began high school.  You can get a decent present if you start saving freshman year.

Craziness in Life

~ Things have been a bit crazy here.  My eldest daughter is having problems with premature labor, so I've had the grands off and on.   Having a 2 year old running around the house is a big change since my youngest is 17.

Yikes

I got the bright idea to weigh myself today.   I know. I know.  Bad idea.

After the scale stopped screaming I almost started.  In disbelief I stared at it.  Surely the cold floor made the electronics go haywire?  Yeah, that's it.

Stitch

My eldest daughter requested Stitch from Lilo and Stitch as a present for her friend.

Sometimes I feel like an outcast.  I feel out of place in this world as if I am not supposed to be here.  A lone salmon fighting to swim upstream with so many other salmon yet totally alone.   I think this is more pronounced when I am around other believers.  Even among then I feel as if I don't belong.  I think it is the opposite of what I should feel.

A Lot of Things Going On

My middle son left for boot camp a week ago.  My eldest son seems intent on ruining his own life, but I'm keeping my mouth shut other than when asked advice.  Very hard for me to do.  Youngest daughter is getting extremely stressed with her new job.  Youngest son is blowing off his last two classes he needs to graduate.  DH has suddenly started doing stuff around the house.  I'm not sure what's going on with him.  I don't trust it or him.

Margaritaville here I come...I wish.

In Addition to the Movies and Money

About a week ago, my youngest, who just received his driver's license, woke up 10 minutes after he was suppose to leave for work.  He flew through the house, jumped in the minivan and moved it from behind the kid car.

2 days ago, I was sick.  Yesterday, I was sicker.  Today, I feel terrible and am much worse.   I can't get anything done.  That means something is building up in my system.  It is obviously a reaction.  The only thing I've eaten all three days is Lays Potato Chips.   Today, as I was bent over for a minute in pain, I remembered that I'd had a reaction before to something I seemed to be okay eating.

Not good news on trading in the van.  One dealer will do $1000.  Another one will do $1200.    KBB says this van is worth $2500 on trade-in, however the dealers say these vans don't move well in this area.  They have to price them cheap in order to sell them.  Yeah, sorry - not buying it.

Fear - Again

Why is fear so crippling?  It's like a warden keeping you prisoner in your own mind.   I'm writing a short story based on that premise, because that is what it feels like to me.

Another Car

I've decided I absolutely must get rid of our 15 passenger.  However, my daughter needs a car to use.  Usually one of the two kids who work will take the "kid" car, which leaves me either driving the second one or one has to take my minivan.

As I said in a previous post - After DH's trip, I kept putting off asking him about the money.  I kept telling myself it wouldn't be much and not worth worrying about.   Two days after he got home, I woke up and his wallet was right there, so I checked it.  It held almost $70.   I had to admit to myself that I put off asking, because if he lied again I wouldn't be able to ignore it.

Yesterday, Mother's Day...yeah.  Not a thing was done for me by anyone.  I don't expect much, but a "Happy Mother's Day" would've been nice.  I would've been fine with that, because I do believe certain holidays like Mother's Day or Valentine's Day are days for card companies.  I believe you should be showing your love every day and doing "random acts of love" (as we call it) throughout the year.

Movies

     Yesterday, I told DH and the boys to go to the movies for a father/son day.  My eldest son had already seen the movie, so he stayed home.   I said they couldn't spend a ton eating food, but popcorn and soda are okay.  Or they could get appetizers.  It's also a restaurant with very high priced food which is usually heated from a frozen state.  I went to check the bank account today, because of a possible double charge from haircuts, and saw the amount from the theater.  I went upstairs and asked why the food part was so high. DH bought all: sodas and popcorn for each person plus two plates of appetizers.

One More Chance?

I didn't ask DH about this last trip and money.  I told myself it was because it was such a small amount.  The truth is I'm tired of being lied to by people especially guys.    I decided I'm going to ask him if he had any extra money from the last trip.    I already know he did, but I want to see what he says.

A Lot of Thinking - Again

  I've been doing so much thinking about whether or not to go forward with the divorce.  The finances are the biggest thing. I just can't seem to get to the point of trusting God to take care of the kids and I.  

  Bad things happen during divorces.  Judges sometimes make the wrong choices if the couple disagree on certain points.   I'm afraid I won't be able to afford things many take for granted like having internet.   That sounds kind of stupid, but I keep in touch with grandchildren and other family through it.  My cell doesn't have international calling.   My daughter got rid of her cell phone, so we tend to talk through Facebook.

  I know DH had money he hid from his past trip.  I checked his wallet.   I really can't get past the sneakiness and lying.  If someone says they want to stay married, but then do what they know will end the marriage, then is it worth staying?

  My youngest son passed his driving test, so I no longer need to worry about driving him back and forth to work.  That was a big thing I needed done.

   I wish I could get things worked out in my own head.   I think I'll call the lawyer this week and talk to him about everything.   I also need to redo the numbers and see if I can make it in a worse case scenario.

Kefir Water

Reading the instructions of re-hydrating the Kefir grains, it tells me that I should have 3-4 tbsp of grains.   It honestly looks like more of 1/2 cup of grains.

There is a warning that the kefir grains may not act like they should for a few weeks, but it seems to be working so far.  Today, I changed from re-hydrating the grains to making Kefir water.    The kids are looking forward to the "soda" we will make after the water is done.

I'm still praying I don't blow up any bottles.

Kefir Grains

I completely forgot about my kefir grains.  Today, I am going to re-hydrate  those puppies.   Hopefully, it will make good kefir water that I can turn into kefir soda.

Ah the joys of relearning how to eat.  :)

Eldest Daughter

   Mental illness runs on both sides of my children's family.  Looking back, I constantly ask myself, "If I had known then what I know now, would I have had children?"  I probably would have.  I've always wanted to be a mom.

  The circumstances surrounding my eldest daughter's past has been bothering me lately.  I'm the only one who knows what really happened.  I'm the only one who knows how dangerous she was.  I'm the only one who knows that, despite how much she blames me for her "sucky" childhood, the only reason she isn't locked up is because of the way I raised her.

   Though, when she first began showing dangerous patterns, the child psychologist we saw did want to lock her up for 30-60 days with no outside contact.  I refused, because my baby girl was 3 years old.   Three.  And she was already becoming a killer.   It might sound dramatic, but by the age of 4 she had already tried to harm or kill four people within a 6 month time period.

   Had anyone told me that a 3-4 year old could plan, and try to carry out, harming someone I would've laughed in their face.   However, I saw her do it.  I heard her reasons, and they horrified me.

    Even she doesn't know the full story of her past.  I didn't want her growing up with a mindset that she was dangerous.  I wanted to see if the shrink was right, and I could do a sort of intensive therapy at home.  I wanted my baby girl to be normal.  Maybe part of it was denial.  Maybe part of it was hope that things could be changed.  The shrink said the biggest thing would be her upbringing, but some things we would probably never be able to change.

  It seems to have worked.  She is still narcissistic.  She still shows signs of being a sociopath as far as lacking feelings/fooling people into thinking she is very empathetic.   She is very good at playing the loving, caring person.  Her younger 3 siblings and I have seen the real her.  We can't be fooled.

     But she hasn't harmed anyone.  That is the important part. That is the success.   She is married, though I don't know for how long this time.  As long as he lives up to her fantasy, she will stay married to him.

  Maybe later I will write down the full story.  I feel like I need to tell it.  I've kept it to myself for almost 30 years now.  I don't think I want to keep it anymore.

New Blog

I decided to start a blog about self-reliance and preparedness.

http://mainelyliving.blogspot.com/

I'm not going to link back here from it.

I am questioning myself constantly.  I know part of it is because my self-confidence in my judgement has taken a blow.   Should I stay?  Should I go?  Should I keep the house?  Should we both move and sell it?  Am I going to make things worse for myself or better by filing? Questions upon questions upon questions...

I even ask myself if it can be worked out, even though I know it can't.  I asked him if he wanted to be married.  He said yes.  I told him if he did it again we were done. He agreed.  He did it again.   It's been 10 months since then.  When I think back to all the lies he's told through our marriage - there is no trust left.  When I think back to the "accidents" - were they or were they deliberate?

I promised my mom to wait until after the holidays.  Then I had to wait for the taxes to be done.  How I felt when he did it sort of got pushed to the back of my mind until this short trip happened.  I was tense throughout it, even though I knew he wouldn't come back with a lot of extra money.  I also knew he wouldn't tell me if he had any.  He didn't.

The worst part is he doesn't seem to think he's doing anything wrong.   He tells outrageous lies about it that can be easily checked.  Why does he do that?  I don't get it.  It's obvious they are lies, but he seems to think they're believable... or I'm stupid... maybe both.

I don't want to make the wrong decision, but am I hesitating because of that or because of fear?

More blogs? And other random thoughts...

I am considering the suggestions that I divide this blog into several: crafts that people want to see/buy; self-sufficiency and emergency preparedness; decluttering; my nutrition and health journey; and this one which supposed to mainly be about my marriage and divorce.

I know my self-sufficiency and decluttering posts get a lot of hits.  I know a few would like to read about my switching to a more self-sufficient lifestyle.   I know a few who don't care about that, but would love to see what I make.

I'm just not sure about it.  The problem is they all tend to overlap each other.  I need to declutter to sell the house for divorce.  I need to declutter to set up a more self-sufficient lifestyle.   Health concerns also cross over into several categories.

The only one that doesn't really cross over is the craft part.  Well, it might cross over into the divorce if I generate income with it but not by much.  However, I don't want to link it back to this blog, because my eldest daughter and her friends will be on the craft site a lot.  There is a reason my children do not know about this blog.  The last thing I need is my NPD daughter gathering ammunition for future use.

Several people are also encouraging me to finish a book I started writing years ago.  I've only written a chapter or so but, before my middle daughter disappeared, she encouraged me to write it.  She felt it would be a good fun story, but I think any editor faced with my punctuation and grammar handicaps would probably shoot themselves in the face after the first few pages.  However, for her, I might try to just write it even if I never try to publish it.

I also don't know how to set up Word with double-spacing.  I tried it once, and I had to fix an error.  The whole page went nuts.

So many decisions I have to make.  It's a bit overwhelming.  I'm trying a pattern for Doctor Who's Tardis, but more often than not I find myself staring into space and mulling things over.  The pattern is already one I'm not liking, so not paying attention to what I do when tweaking it isn't a good thing.

The fear of the unknown is stopping me from filing for divorce.  The fear of what he'll do - what will happen to the kids and myself - it's so scary for someone who needs things planned out in advance.  I keep questioning whether it will be worth it.  Can I live with the lies to have financial security?  What if leaving causes more problems for me and the kids? I have a lot of concerns.  My Christian friends say that God will take care of me.  I know He will.  I just like to maintain control.

There is also so much to do.  "Birthday season", as we call it, has hit.  From now until June we will be busy with birthdays.  It is literally 6 birthdays in a 8 week period along with the gatherings that accompany them.  Following that my middle son leaves for boot camp.   My eldest son just informed me he has to move back home due to finances from his divorce.  That doesn't really help my fear, despite the fact he is in the "supporter" role.

It also makes it a bit difficult for me.  I was going to fix up the empty bedroom for either DH or myself to stay in during the divorce proceedings.  Our state does not have a mandatory separation.  In fact, the lawyer suggested that if we could stand it, we should live together until it's all over in order to save money and get the house sorted between us. I don't know about that.  To me that would seem a bit awkward.

My original intention was to stay in the house with the kids.  It almost seems easier for me to move out, but the lawyer advised against it.   It's been almost a year since DH broke his promise about not lying and hiding money again.  This past trip he wasn't even really gone for a week.  He left Monday morning and came back Friday afternoon.  I know he has extra money, because I checked his wallet.

Today, I need to go run errands and take my youngest son out to practice parallel parking and backing up.  My middle son had 3 weeks notice before his driving test.  My youngest only received a weeks notice.  But at some point I must make all these decisions and get things done.

A Vent

I'm a bit aggravated, so I'm going to vent this here.  Okay, I am a lot aggravated.  I'm sorry if it's a bit disjointed and confusing.

My eldest son joined the Marines, was transferred to California, met a girl and the two became one.

Or should I say the two became two?

When he married his new wife, he thought he was marrying a strong woman.  What he married was a young girl tied to her mother's apron strings.  This ultimately destroyed their marriage.

My son is used to strong, independent women.  He is used to me.  I'm blunt.  I'm honest.  I really don't need anyone around to help unless a 20 foot pine tree falls on my house.  Then I may need some assistance.  Or at least a hot guy with a chainsaw...preferably shirtless.  I'd say nude, but we don't want him cutting off the wrong thing now, do we?

 To be a military wife, a woman needs to be strong, capable of figuring things out and doing them on her own.  She needs to be able to handle finances, deal with her children (because she is most likely far from family and hubby is usually gone), handle moves, etc.

What my son got was a woman who was controlled by her mother.  He frequently received "talks" about how he was failing as a husband, how he needed to be home more, how he needed to be more "Christian" (I'll get into that one in another post), etc.  He was talked at quite often about his shortcomings.  That he was in the military and really didn't have a choice about his schedule seemed to elude them.

His new mother-in-law, a self-proclaimed God-loving woman, tried to run their marriage.  They never got to become "one".  She was always there.  He tried to talk to my daughter-in-law about it, but she refused to do anything.  That is when he discovered she was completely dependent upon her mom.

If she said she was having trouble handling the kids, her mom would run over to help.  She dropped in on her mom unannounced on a daily basis, but her mom loved it and encouraged it.  Eldest son would arrive home expecting to see his family, and they weren't there.

They made him buy a condo from her parents that he didn't want.  Her parents were having financial issues and buying the condo was to help them get out of those issues.  Excuse me?  That is not the job of the children.  Parents get themselves into trouble; parents get themselves out of it.  She and her mom harangued him until he gave in.  They had a hard time getting rid of it when they moved, and her parents had to take it back.

They transferred to our state, and he hoped his wife would cut the cord.  At this point, she said she wanted to.  However, he would come home from recruiting duty - one of the most stressful military jobs - to find his mother-in-law staring at him... on the laptop...through Skype.   All he wanted was to de-stress and spend some time with his girls (by now he had two daughters) before going to bed.   Yet, this woman was in their home for hours almost every day.

I'm not kidding.  His wife would set up the laptop on a chair, and Skype with her mom all day long.   Sometimes they wouldn't even talk.  It would just be there.  There was little privacy for the couple.  I'm honestly surprised they conceived my grandson.

I was shocked to find out that she expected the same type of attitude from me that she gets from her mom.  If she had trouble, I was to drop everything and go help her.  She lived an hour north of me.  I have 3 "children" at home who needed me around to drive them to school or whatever. I also taught at a private school part-time.  To be blunt: it wasn't happening.

She expected to drop by unannounced and I would be okay with it.  I hate people dropping by unannounced.  We have things to do.  It's not like I sit around all day doing nothing.  I also homeschool and had two teens with full workloads to deal with.

If she had an emergency or was totally losing it, that wasn't a problem.  That we will help with.  But because granddaughter number one wouldn't take a nap, so she shows up at my door... excuse me?  How is that going to help?

She did learn to call and see if I was available before she came over.  If I was at the school, and knew she was in the area, I'd tell her to drop by there.  They were relaxed about it.

The sad part is that my son really cared about her.  He loved her.   He loves his kids.   He wanted it to work.

It was discovered that her parents were moving to Australia.  My son thought that would help, since they would be on opposite time zones.   She didn't seem to be handling the thought of her parents leaving the country very well.  One night they had an argument.  They only thing they both agree on is he grabbed her upper arms to stop her from leaving the room.

He says he left the apartment and went to work very early, so he could clear his head and think.  By now, he wasn't sure their marriage was going to survive.    He felt really bad about grabbing her arms even though it is just something people do.

Imagine his surprise when the police showed up at the recruiting office and arrested him for domestic violence and rape.

Yes, she called the police and accused him of these things.  She refused a medical exam.  She refused any evidence taking.  You draw your own conclusions.

My son followed bad advice and pled guilty to the domestic violence because, in his eyes, he felt grabbing her arms could be categorized as that.   He has learned the hard way that he should've fought the charges.  He was put on probation for a year and ordered to undergo mandatory counseling.

Now his trust in her was completely broken.  But, for the sake of the kids, he moved back home after he was told by the courts it was okay.   He was confronted with a list of things he had to do in order to stay with his wife.  After reading over the list, he realized it had been complied by his mother-in-law.   Basically, they were going to blackmail him into doing what they wanted.  If he didn't follow it, they could cause him to lose his military career which was already hanging by a thread.

  He wasn't going to be blackmailed, and he wasn't going to risk his job.  He talked to a lawyer about a possible divorce.  He hadn't made up his mind yet.  He was just gathering information. The lawyer sent papers to my son's home address instead of his office like the lawyer was instructed.   His wife opened them, saw he was thinking about a divorce, took the kids and moved to California (within 3 days) just in time to move to Australia with her mom and dad.

Convenient, no?

He had moved back out after she saw the papers.  No one had any idea that she was selling as much stuff as she could behind his back.  Within 3 days of opening the papers, she wasn't answering her cell phone.  He went back to the apartment and discovered she was gone.  During this time, she was talking about her and I meeting up so I could see my grandchildren.

She never cancelled it.  I never got to see them, and I most likely never will.  I can't afford to go to Australia to visit them.

I fully believe the "list" was an excuse for her to leave if she hadn't seen the papers.  She knew there was no way he could follow it, especially since it meant ignoring military orders.   Our entire family along with many friends believe she set him up, because she could not stand to be away from her mom.

Since my eldest son is on probation, he can't leave the country to see his kids.  He missed his son's birth, because she left while pregnant with him.  My son has taken out many loans to try to send them money and support.  I'm afraid he is about to bankrupt himself.

This time period, for his office, is requiring long days (12-16 hours) and he missed his second daughter's birthday.  He and I both received a Facebook message from his now ex-mother-in-law stating how damaging it is for a child to be repeatedly ignored and forgotten by a parent.

Really?!   Gee, I guess she forgot that they are on opposite time zones, he works 12+ hours a day, he had stayed up all night (and gone to work with no sleep) in order to talk to his girls, and he talked to them last night until they hung up on him.

Even now that they are divorced, her mother is still butting in to where she doesn't belong. I'm afraid if she keeps this up my son will completely shut down towards his kids.  She will have sent a self-fulfilling message.

She still blames him for everything.  She has no clue that she is the cause of most of it along with how she lets her daughter be so dependent on her.  This girl is in her 20s.  She should be way past those apron strings.

Two days ago, one of my friends' husband killed himself. It was completely unexpected. I don't know how. I don't know if he was on any medication that had depression as a side effect. I don't know if he was just feeling sad. By all appearances they seemed to be a happy couple with a good life.

 I have had a child die, but I have never had a family member commit suicide before. Death by a body giving out, cancer, or an accident are hard enough as it is. Having someone deliberately choose to take him or herself out of your life...there is no way I can know what she is feeling or going through.

 One of their children is taking it very hard. I can't even imagine the confusion their children must feel. I know if it were me I'd probably be wondering why my daddy didn't love me enough to stay. How can a child understand the sadness that overtakes someone?

 I can understand it from her husband's side. I have been sad enough to think everyone would be better off without me. There is no way to explain the dark pit one falls into during this time period. The self-hatred, the self-doubts, the deep-seated sadness and hopelessness...it's hard for anyone to understand how bad it is unless they have experienced it.

 There is no way to make this better for her other than just being there whether it's to listen, pray, or help out in anyway I can. Since she lives a good distance from me, that help would most likely be financial. If anyone read this, please lift this family up in prayer. They will need any support they can get.

Lately, I think I'm more on the "losing it" end of things more than the "laugh" end. I need to get things done no matter what, but I can't seem to focus. I'm not handling things as well as I usually do. I may need to take a few days and do nothing to just think and work things out. I really don't have any one I can talk to about this stuff.

My two bibles that I use regularly. I am adding them to my Resource page for the curious.

DH comes home today. I was going to call the lawyer sometime this coming week. But now I'm questioning myself, because of a serious lapse in judgement about a friend who had me fooled for over 7 years. Trust issues have been amplified by 1000. Self-confidence has taken a major hit. Not only in myself but also in my decision making. I keep wondering if DH is right about me, and am I wrong about leaving him. So many doubts about my own decisions now. Maybe it would be better to just stay despite everything.

My Old Friend

I've pulled out my old friend, The Tightwad Gazette. Given that my income is going to drop like the proverbial rock, I think I need a refresher course on being frugal.

The Disaster Preparedness Handbook

I finally got to read one of the other books I bought: The Disaster Preparedness Handbook by Arthur T. Bradley

Overall, it has a lot of information. It takes a more realistic approach to disaster preparedness than "doomsday" type books which is what I was looking for.  It has practice scenarios for events like losing power, blizzards, tornadoes, earthquakes, etc.  Since I live in a rural area that loses power if my dog sneezes, this was more important to me than solar flares.

The format is very user-friendly.  The book is divided into categories like food, water, heat/cooling which is helpful.  In each category, the author lists many options suited for a variety of situations.   He also goes into more information about each category.  In Food, he also lists the types of food poisonings that can happen, how to store your food, and how to figure out how much food you need.

One thing I noticed is Mr. Bradley stresses the importance of cleanliness and the possible illnesses that can occur in long-term "survival" situations.  This is the first time I've read anyone pointing this out to readers.   He even included a first aid chapter which tells how to treat various injuries/illnesses.

The only con I've found so far is that Mr. Buckley seems to be a fan of the USDA.  He advocates following their new food pyramid/guidelines.   It is a bit outdated since the USDA now uses the plate chart.  Either way, I personally don't believe in their recommendations, but ignoring that, he has some helpful tips.

I will be keeping this book in my library.  2 down; 3 to go.

Another Business Trip

Dh left on another business trip.  I am relieved to have this week, but I know I'm going to start getting tense the closer Friday gets.  I'm going to try to use this week to get all the paperwork for the lawyer together, and get the bedroom my son just moved out of cleaned. One of us will have to move into it until things are finalized.

I may also try to get a website set up to sell some of my amigurumi and other items.  I'm not sure how to do that, but I'm sure I can find information online.   I don't want to do Etsy unless necessary.  I do have one website that will allow you to list 12 items free.  My daughter has friends that have offered to pay me to make them things, so even my own site would work.

The last steps are my youngest two getting their drivers license.  One has a test scheduled for this week, but I don't know if he'll pass it.  He tends to not test well.  Honestly, I don't need to wait for that.    That can be done at any time.

 Since I've estimated DH gets at least $100 extra each week he's gone, I could go off when he gets back and tells me he has nothing.   I'm going to wait to call the lawyer, so I can use this week to do things DH might question if he was around.

Food Storage 101

I ordered several books on self-sufficiency, food storage, and gardening.

The first one I read was Peggy Layton's "Food Storage 101".

Cons:

If I hadn't already partially researched it on the internet, it might have been an okay book.  However, I did research first, so the book was a bit redundant for me.  Normally, I listen to the reviews I read, but I wanted to give it a shot.  It literally is the basics.  I'm honestly not sure it was worth the $9.20. I also had a couple of other issues with it:

1) Mrs. Layton seems to be a Mormon based on her comments about church which isn't a problem for me.  That she uses a Noah's Ark poem and says "God bless..." may be a problem for others.

What is a problem for me is someone who has a "B.S. in Home Economics with a minor in Food Science and Nutrition" has problems with spelling and simple grammar.  That's saying a lot, because my grammar sucks.  I can only assume Mrs. Layton didn't have an editor.   When I first read that food "will parish" I had to stop and reread it.   Every spelling mistake made me stop and reread a sentence.

I love to misuse commas.  In this blog I write like I speak.  My commas tend to be placed where I actually pause when speaking. However, when writing a story I try to actually use grammar rules and double-check the spelling.   (I also overuse the word "actually" in daily writing.  I also like "literally".  I am an equal opportunity word over-user.)

2) Contradictory information is found in a couple of places.  For instance, in one chapter she states that plastic milk bottles will start to break down in about 6 months.  In another place she says after a year.  So which is it?

I don't reuse plastic milk jugs, so it doesn't apply to me.  However, some people do and I'm sure they'd like accurate info on it.  Consistency and accuracy, please.

3) Half the book is composed of charts for you to use.  Have you ever tried to scan a small book and then enlarge a chart so it can be useful?   If it had been larger and in a ring binder I could see it being helpful to some.  Honestly, a spiral bound notebook is fine for what she wants people to use it for, plus those who can use any pc word program can easily make their own charts.

4)  Half the book - no kidding - is composed of charts and forms.  Half... the ... book..


Pros:

1) What I did like about it was the simple wood pattern for making a self-feeding shelf for your cans.   However, I'm pretty sure there are plans on the internet.

2) She insists on your family not changing their eating habits in an emergency.  Most people don't realize that you can make your family and yourself sick by doing this.  In a time of crisis, that won't help anyone.   A common phrase I've seen in several books is "Store what you eat; eat what you store."   You should be eating and rotating your food supply on a constant basis.

Having a freeze-dried food is fine, but living on it constantly will make you sick if you're not used to it.  She does advocate using a bit on a regular basis, so it's not a shock to your system if you end up in a situation where you need to eat a lot of it.

3) The lists in the charts are okay.  If nothing else, she might have thought of something I'd forget.

4) Emergency meal planning is another thing she lists for people to do.  I never even thought of that.  Having meals planned out would be helpful in a power outage like we normally get.  Usually I run around thinking, "Aw, heck.  What do we have again?"  If I had a meal plan already set, then I wouldn't have that issue.

 If I'm also eating what I store and storing what I eat, then I should already have meal plans in effect.  I don't, because I tend to fly by the seat of my pants and what we feel like eating.

For the first-timer who hasn't a clue about food storage and keeping a food supply, this book would probably be helpful for them.  For me, it was a waste of money.  I will probably resell it or give it to one of my kids that are out on their own.

The Declutter Project

I know. I know.  Like I need another thing to do.  However, I have to get some things cleared out, packed and moved around.  So, we are now starting The Declutter Project.

My daughter and I got tired of trying to figure out which spices we can use and which we can't.  We did a massive clean out of the spice and baking cabinets.

The former spice cabinet.  It used to be jam packed with spices and gravies.
It is now empty and waiting to be washed out.  I am moving the oils and vinegars to it, so I can reach them easier.  

The baking cabinet.  It used to be so full of things you'd have to take the chance of an avalanche just to pull one thing out.  The spices have been whittled down to the lower shelf.  The middle shelf has only 1/4 of the items left on it.

The top shelf used to be packed full of stuff.  Now it is almost empty. :)  The damage to the wall happened when we installed the new cabinets.  DH decided that it would be better to take a hammer to the soffit to move a small mound that blocked the doors from shutting. I had opted to adjust the doors, so they wouldn't hit the mound.  As you can see, DH thought his idea was better. :x

My other project was the bathroom cabinet:

Before

After

It isn't much, but it's a start.   I am taking the "How do you eat an elephant?" approach.   One bite at a time.  :)

Taxes are Done!

DH finally filed the taxes!  Paying the government over $600 didn't feel good, but it is one more hurdle done.

I think he suspects what I'm up to.  He kept finding excuses for not finishing the filing then, when I asked how much paper I should put in the printer, he said it would be too much and we could just keep them online.

Not happening.

I insisted on having a paper copy.  No matter what I want a paper copy.  I don't like leaving things online.  What if I need something and the internet has gone down?

While looking over the taxes I realized an added bonus: all of his income for the past 5 years is listed on one of the pages.

Yes!

I don't have to look for any of the tax returns for the lawyer.   I am thrilled about this, because I honestly don't know where they are.

Now that I have the numbers, I can replan finances based on them.  Our original estimates were based on a lower yearly pay.

*dances around the room*

Yes, it is a bit of stress relieved.  :)

Caffeine

  The past few weeks have shown me that my health has really gotten out of hand, and I need to reign it back in.  I've stopped eating good things.  I've been eating junk and loading up on caffeine.   It has had both physical and mental consequences.  Unfortunately, when I'm under stress I tend to forget to eat well.  I've been under a lot of stress.  I have a couple of conditions, that I've not told more than one person about, which rely heavily on eating well and exercise in order to manage them.

My jeans are quite a bit tighter.  My joints are hurting as is my head.  I'm tired and moody.  At times it feels like Peanut is making Jose into salsa inside my chest.  Some days, when the "kids" get loud, I just want to duct tape them to the ceiling and shoot them with Nerf guns.

Caffeine is not something I'm supposed to have.  It has been advised that I get off it of because it exacerbates several symptoms of issues I have.  If I add in the finance part, I can save money by not using sugar - also another health concern - and milk along with the cost of the coffee.

In the interest of my health and saving money - I am quitting caffeine.  I hate my coffee pot anyhow.  Seriously.  It leaks water everywhere if you try to make a full pot, plus the thermal carafe fails completely at keeping the coffee warm.

 Today is day one of decreasing my caffeine intake.  Normally, I make a 6 cup pot when I get up.  Rarely do I drink it all.  Today I made it with 1/3 decaffeinated coffee.  I get enough headaches, so I really don't want to add in a withdrawal headache.  Once I am on all or mostly decaf, I will just stop drinking coffee.

I quit a couple years ago, but we went to visit relatives and I began drinking it again.  Instead of sitting down to have coffee, I would grab water and go on the treadmill or for a walk.  It was a much better lifestyle choice for me.   Posting it here gives me some accountability also.  Even if no one is reading, I will think someone might be, so it will give me incentive to keep trying.

*Raises coffee mug*  Here's to quitting caffeine.

Self-Sufficiency

I am seriously considering moving to a more self-sufficient lifestyle.  I would be lying if I didn't say the show Doomsday Preppers didn't have anything to do with it.  While I do think a few of the people are off the wall, they do make some good points.  Enough that it got me thinking.

When I went to fill the minivan, it costs almost as much as it used to when I filled up our 15 passenger van.  That was when the gas prices really hit me.  We have 4 cars: the minivan, the 15, DH's car which is very good on gas, and the kids car which is also good on gas.  I fully plan on getting rid of the 15 passenger.  We don't use it anymore, and it needs repair each time it's inspected, because it isn't getting driven.

That is still 3 cars.  That is still a lot of gas.  Even just filling up every two weeks would be about $200.  The reality is that we fill at least two of them up every week.   So each payday we are spending closer to $300 or more, since we're paid every 2 weeks.  I'm not sure what to do about that, because we need the minivan.  The other two cars get great gas mileage.  DH's car gets 35-40 mpg, because he mainly drives the highway to work an hour away.  Right now, the "kid car" (named that because the kids are the main drivers) gets about 30 mpg city.

My problem is I need a car with worse gas mileage.  Our van is our tow vehicle.  We do tow things.  We also live in a high snow area.  DH used to own a 4 wheel drive truck.  It was great in snow storms if we needed to get somewhere and couldn't wait.  We can't do that now, and we live on a hill.  We've had tow companies, UPS, and others refuse to come up our hill in winter.  That's how bad it is.

If I get rid of the big van, I need to change the minivan for an SUV.  I could keep the big van just for towing, but the gas savings would be countered by the repairs for not driving it more.  Someone told me there is a 7 passenger SUV that gets comparable gas mileage to a minivan, but I can't remember who told me or what the make was.

I have to really think about this.  I actually love my big van because the seats are so comfortable for long trips.  I hate the minivans on trips.  I love that I can carry a lot of stuff in the big van and tow big things.  I can't do that in the minivan.  However, the minivan is much easier to park.  The 15 is a pain in the backside to park.   I could get the SUV, then use the kid car as much as possible.  Since two kids work the SUV would still get a work out.  I am really back and forth on this issue.

We live in an area where power outages are common.  It isn't strange to hear about people being without power for over 2 weeks. It is the main reason I bought a dual fuel stove.  The range top is propane.  The double ovens are electric.  I can cook on the top in power outages. However, I've frequently wished I could bake when the power was out.  I never knew about solar ovens until I saw that show Doomsday Preppers.  Now it's on my list of things to buy.  

It also made me think hard about how I'd heat the house in winter.  We have portable heaters, but they're only good for small spaces.  They use the small camping propane bottles.  The pipes freezing is a huge concern.  We have a portable K-1 heater for the basement.  However, again, K-1 costs are high and the fumes are nasty.  I do have to say it heats very well.  It can actually keep the floor of the living room semi-warm, because it is right under it. Thankfully, we've never been without power for more than 3 days.  However, the possibility of it being longer does exist.

 The first and second floors are heated by electricity.  The basement is heated by K-1.  K-1 is getting extremely expensive.  It's predicted to be over $4.00 a gallon by next winter.  Estimates put it closer to $5.00 a gallon. We have a 250 gallon tank.  It's already taken me over $1500 for this winter, and this was a very mild winter compared to our normal ones.  I'm out of money for it, and the tank is almost empty.  The nights are still down in the 20s-30s. I can't afford to use K-1 unless I keep the temperature very low.

There is one problem with that: my desk is down here.  Basically, all my craft stuff, computers, TV, etc. are down here.  I have a "mom cave".  It wasn't planned.  It's just the only place my computer fit, so I could get it out of the kitchen.  It just grew from there.  In order to move it out of here, I'd need to get the rest of the house done.  That would cost a lot more than installing a wood stove.

The house is set up for a wood stove.  It has vents in walls where the chimney goes up.  It has air return vents in floors (which is a pain sometimes because things fall down into the basement). I am seriously considering  having the chimney checked, repaired and getting one.   We are surrounded by trees.  In an emergency, we can start cutting down the dead trees for immediate use.   We can cut the others down to cure.

Another problem is that food costs are getting so high it's ridiculous.   I have an extremely short growing season, so I'm not sure how to go about that.  I've ordered a few books about the subjects of urban gardening, self-sufficiency on small amounts of land, and general self-sufficiency.  One possibility is a greenhouse.

Now enter the other main problems: divorce (thereby possibly losing the house) and money.  It will all cost money to do/fix/buy.  Some might think me nuts for adding this to my list of stuff to deal with, but I really don't have a choice.  Food, mortgage and gas are eating up the paychecks.  I have to get the costs down.  It will also be good practice for when I'm on my own.   I will be going from high monthly income to very low monthly income.

If anyone reads this and has any suggestions, I am more than open to listening.  :)

Homemade Laundry and Dish Soap Revisited

An update to my using homemade laundry soap.  The recipe that works for us is:

1.5 cups Borax
1.5 cups Washing soda
1 bar of soap such as Ivory, Fels Naptha, etc.

We have a well with a high iron content.  It literally looks like liquid rust.  The water is filtered through an iron filter and a water softener.

I tried several different dishwasher detergent recipes.  I didn't like any of them, and they weren't much cheaper to make than the cheap store brand costs.

Vinegar as the rinse agent works very well, so we'll keep using that.  I can get a gallon of cheap store brand for about the same cost as the rinse agent I used to buy.

Kefir Soda

Lately my children have been drinking more soda than I want them too.  So, we are going to try an experiment.  We are going to try making Kefir Soda

I order Kefir water grains and bottles.  I've always wanted the bottles to try and make our own fizzy drinks, so now is a good time.  I ordered all of this before the finances went down the tubes.

The kids love pomegranate juice, which is expensive, so we're adding a bit to see how it tastes.   We will try also making the cream soda version and maybe a root beer flavored version (Just because I already have the flavoring).

I will update on this.  Hopefully, the update won't include "Today, I blew up the soda bottles."

Another Trip

DH informed me that he will be going out of town for work in mid-April.  It will only be for one week.  However, every muscle in my body tensed up.   I have figured that he gets about an extra $100 per week he is gone.

While it is only about $100 this time, the lies and hiding that go with it have me tense.  I guess this is a good thing.   It has been so long since he last went on a trip, the stress it caused me has kind of left my mind.  I started thinking that maybe I should just stay - mainly for the financial security.

The immediate muscle tensing, the immediate suspicion, the immediate resentment that hit me when he told me he was going out of town forced me to rethink that.  

Do I really want to go through this every time?

Do I really want to live with someone who does nothing but lie so he can have what he wants?

Do I really want to be married to someone who never really has an opinion, but if I go against what he wants he goes passive-aggressive?

Do I want to be married to someone who, after asking me for my opinion (rarely), does what he wants anyhow?

The flip side of this is:

Do I want to struggle financially after becoming single?

Just thinking about him leaving for this trip has my shoulders bunched.   So, yes, I think having to struggle financially would be worth not living with someone whom I cannot trust.

People say God will take care of me.  Honestly, I'm not feeling God around right now.  I know He is.  I just don't feel Him.  

I feel completely alone.

Finances and Thoughts

I am, once again, trying to do too many things at once.  This combined with my emotional state means nothing is getting done - still.

DH finally did the taxes and discovered we owe over $600.  We have never owed before. The main problem is he waited until 2 weeks before the deadline.  So, we have 2 weeks to get the money.  If he had done them back in February, when he was supposed to, we would have had several months.

 Gas prices are up to $4.00 a gallon.  It now costs me as much to fill up my minivan as it did to fill up my 15 passenger 1-2 years ago.

With the food sensitivities and health issues, our grocery bill has tripled.   I have to find ways to bring it down.  The best way would be to grow a lot of my own, but with the trees around me sunlight is limited.  I know spending more money now on the right foods means spending less money later on medical bills.  I can't use coupons much anymore, because the coupons are for terrible food that will make us sick.

I can't seem to find a direction.  I know what I need to do, but I can't seem to choose one thing to start.  I don't like being weak, and this makes me feel weak.

Nothing

I'm kind of numb.  The waiting, along with other things, is getting to me. I haven't even been able to bring myself to write about things until now.

I had stories I wrote.  I always had stories going through my head. I can't think of anything right now.  It's not writers block.  It's as if there is nothing in me.   There isn't anything there.  I've not had that happen before.

I had started decluttering and packing up things in the house to sell it.  I haven't touched anything.  I know I should be doing it, but the drive is gone.

I'm eating things I shouldn't be or too much of things I can eat.

My shoulders hurt, because they are so tense.

It's almost been a year since he ignored my "If you do it again, we're done.".  A year.  It should have been over now.  That it hasn't even started is bothering me.

The taxes still haven't been done.  I'm not sure if he suspects, but he keeps putting them off.  I finally pushed to have them done yesterday.  Our second son started having pc problems.  DH is a pc fixer guy.  That sidetracked him.  Then he discovered that not only was our son's pc infected, but it had migrated to DH's even though they both had virus scanners running.

Today they are reformatting both computers.

I'm ready to just walk out the door and not look back.  I'm even questioning whether I should just leave the "kids" with him.

Stressing Out

An online friend died last night.

I tried to mend a broken relationship with another friend and was basically told to go die.

My ankle has an ATFL injury, and I'm in an air cast for the next couple of weeks.  I can't do anything with the house.

DH still hasn't filed the taxes, and informed me he's leaving for another work trip (which means the whole money issue thing will happen again).

One of the cars broke down, and I'm not sure I have the funds to fix it.

Good thing I had my orange juice.

"Hold, Please."

I feel like I'm on the telephone of life and am on hold.   Nothing is getting done.

The kids and I have been sick and/or injured in some way.  We get over one thing, and something else starts.  I caught a nasty flu bug that lasted over 2 weeks.  After that I hurt myself.  Then I caught a cold.  I can't take anything other than Tylenol or Advil, so I got to suffer through every miserable symptom.  A week ago I slipped on the basement stairs and hurt my ankle.  I thought it would be okay, but it's not.   If it's not better in the next few days, I'll need to have an x-ray just to be sure I didn't crack something.

DH hasn't touched the taxes yet.  I mentioned them to him and he said he was missing papers.   I thought I had given him the mortgage interest statements, but I hadn't.  That was my fault.   After finding the papers, and giving them to him, he said he would do the taxes.  That was three weeks ago.  He still hasn't done them.  I don't know if he's just being lazy, or if he suspects something is up.

It's very frustrating for me and the kids, because everything we wanted to have finished by now isn't even started.  We are "on hold" and there really isn't anything I can do about it.   I believe everything happens for a reason.  I have never had that disproved.   I can only assume we are being delayed for a reason.  I wish I knew what it was.

...

‎5 am: DH makes the bed around me waking me up in the process. (He does this every flipping morning) 
5:30 am: He uses the blow dryer in the bathroom next to our bedroom. There is no insulation or sound barrier. He never uses the blow dryer - ever. 
6 am: He goes outside to get the paper (which he never does), thereby setting the dog off when he comes back in. The dog goes ballistic when DH comes into the house. DH knows this.
6:30 am: He decides to unload the dishwasher - loudly. Our house is small. Our bedroom is like 20 feet, if that, from the kitchen.
6:45 am: I gave up sleeping even though I'd only had 5 hours of sleep. I got up, dressed, came out of the bathroom and he was at his computer desk playing a game. (........) He knew I was up - how could he not? - and didn't bother to make the coffee that only the two of us drink.

The first thing out of his mouth: Was I making too much noise?


As soon as the coffee pot was finished, he had a mug in hand and was pouring himself a cup.

If his goal was to tick me off it worked. I'm trying to figure out what I did to make him go into passive aggressive mode again, but I'm too tired to get my brain to work. At least today I get a grandson fix.


My head is killing me from lack of sleep.  Looks like Advil and I will be dancing today.

Adventures in Depression

This blog entry is close to home.  I've felt it many times.  This time, however, I'm having trouble coming out on the other side.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

I'm questioning why I even have this blog or am I writing what I write.

 Does anyone really care about my divorce?  
People divorce all the time.  I'm not special.  

Does anyone really care about my relationship with God?  It's no different than millions of other people.

Can anything I write help anyone else?  I can't even help myself.  It's doubtful anyone would find anything I write helpful.

I don't have anything special to say.  Anything I have to say has been said by many others who write much better than I do.

I'm questioning a lot of things - but I'm not finding any answers.  My self-confidence doesn't even exist at this point in time.

Cake and Frosting

Who knew how hard it would be to find a cake and frosting recipe that is soy, dairy, egg, msg, and nut free?

It literally took me hours of comparing cake and frosting recipes to decide on two specific ones.  The recipe for the yellow cake I got from here, but I used olive oil instead of canola:

http://foodallergies.about.com/od/multiallergenfreerecipes/r/Lemon-Vanilla-Cake.htm

I tweaked a recipe for chocolate butter frosting from my Betty Crocker cookbook:

2 cups of powder sugar
1/3 cup of cocoa
1/3 cup of coconut oil (I used Spectrum which has no coconut smell or flavor)
1 1/2 tsp of vanilla
2-3 tbsp of rice milk

Sift together sugar and cocoa.  Mix with the coconut oil.  Beat in vanilla and enough milk to make it spreadable.


We'll see how it goes tomorrow.  My eldest is coming over with her family to celebrate both our birthdays.  She can't have dairy during this pregnancy.  I can't have MSG or Soy.  My youngest daughter can't have soy.  My 1 yo grandson can't have nuts, soy, egg, dairy and certain fruits.

It definitely makes meal planning interesting. :)

Alone

Right now, I feel completely and totally alone.  

It is such an overwhelmingly sad feeling.

Today...

... is my birthday.  Normally, we would get dinner out, but neither my daughter or I can eat out anymore without repercussions.   That and we're snowed in.

Snowed in...

On my birthday...

We all need to go shovel and use the snow thrower within the next couple of hours, because we've already gotten a foot of snow.

Now that's some birthday fun right there.

>.>

<.<


That 4 people remembered my birthday is nice.  Granted two are family members, but that is still better than last year.   Sad to say, I don't think my three children at home realized it yet.

My eldest daughter's is the 12th.  Her family is coming over Sunday, and we will celebrate both then.  

I had hoped to be single by now or, at least, have papers filed.  Neither happened.  Life is kind of funny that way.  I do believe everything happens for a reason, so I believe there is a reason things keep getting delayed.

Anyhow, I think I'll go make brownies or something.  

I'm praying we don't lose power.

A Little Annoyed

I have been quite sick the past week.  I can't remember the last time I was this sick.  Thankfully, I seem to be slowly improving.  Because of this, I haven't really been paying attention to DH and what he's doing.

Today I asked if he's done the taxes, and I was told "No."  
"When do you think you'll get to them?"
"I don't know."

I reminded him that the mini van needed the yearly inspection that is required by our state.  I'm 90% positive we'll be told we need new tires.  The two front tires keep losing air, and when I check all 4, the tread was very low.   That will be expensive.  I told him weeks ago that we would probably need the tax return to pay for them.   I gave him the papers he needed to do it.

What has he been doing?  Playing Age of Empires on his pc.  I understand he works long hours.  I understand he wants downtime.  However, I let him know about the car literally at the beginning of the year.  It's almost March.   The inspection has to be done by the end of March, or the car will be illegal to drive.

The other night, the rest of the family went to get some food and pick up our youngest who works at McDonalds.  A gas station is literally attached to the McDonald's. I asked DH if the gas station where they were going had air machines.   He asked, "Why?"  I said the tires were low again and needed air.  I said I didn't want the kids driving the car with the tires that low.

Today I looked out the window to check the weather and noticed the two front tires looked the same.  Questioning the kids, who were with him, revealed he didn't even check for the air machines.  It also revealed, from my son, that yes air machines do exist at that gas station.  DH didn't do anything at all with the tires.  The cars have always been his thing.  He is the one who puts air in the tires when they need it.

  Our kids are currently driving that car until I can get the "kid" car fixed (It goes in Friday).   We live on a hill.  The cars can have issues getting up the hill in bad winter weather.  Our road freezes.  The tires need to be at full pressure.  I've been sick.   I've never filled the tires in the entire time we've been married.

I'm not annoyed that he didn't listen to me.  I'm annoyed that he knows the kids are using that car.  He saw the tires.   He was at the air machines. Yet he did nothing.   I keep asking myself, "Am I overreacting by being upset that he didn't think of the kids' safety?"

I don't know if I am or not, but really - I am annoyed that he didn't think of the kids safety and fill the tires.

I have no idea how to do it, but I'll give it a shot when I take the youngest to work tomorrow.

Word of Wisdom for the Day

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Sometimes nothing can take the place of a good, old fashioned scream.  A pure animalistic release that will, hopefully, keep one from strangling someone.

Random Acts of Sadness

Out of all the places to have a random act of sadness, the toilet wasn't one place I'd expect.  Though, if one thinks about it, it is a very convenient place to have one.  You're in a quiet place, you have plenty of tissue, and the trash is right there.  Upon exiting the bathroom, if someone questions your reddish eyes, you can exclaim, "Man, I should not have eaten that chili!"  It really is the perfect place.

Yes, that happened to me last night.  Not the chili part.  Just the random act of sadness part.  I didn't feel anything.  I wasn't thinking of anything.  I wasn't making any noise other than the normal sounds of a bathroom visit.

I simply realized my face was wet.  Tears were racing each other to the lower jaw finish line.   I don't know why.  When I realized it, I berated myself over something so silly.   I had no reason to be crying or sad.   I have a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back - no reason for me to be sad.  Or so I told myself.

Sometimes our bodies do what they need to do whether we agree or not.  Mine apparently felt the need to leak salt water all over the place.   I still don't know why.

Food, Friends and Frustration

I have friends who care about me.  No idea why they do, but they do.   When they found out I was MSG (and other excitotoxins) sensitive they tried to be helpful by sending me healthy recipe sites.  I appreciate their thoughtfulness.  I really do.   A few really good recipes were found.

Some of the sites had recipes I could use by tweaking an ingredient or two.  Other sites... not so much.   One site in particular, written by a dietitian no less, was one of the worst.   One recipe in particular had enough excitotoxins in it to land me in the hospital.  I think what bugged me is that it was listed as a "healthy" website.   By the time I was done reading the ingredients list of the ingredients I was feeling sick.

I don't blame my friends for the "bad" sites.  I am grateful they care enough to take the time to look.  I am thankful they thought about me when looking at recipes.  Maybe one day I'll take the time to redo the "bad" recipes into something people like me can actually eat.

Another online friend writes a "foodie" blog.  She has several recipes that I'd love to make. She has a cake recipe I'd love to try, but I can't.  It uses soda, and I can't have commercial soda.  Eventually, I will attempt to make soda from scratch and give it a shot.  Today is not that day.

One friend suggested I start writing down recipes on this blog, but I'm really not a "foodie". In fact, I hate to cook.   If I could hire a personal cook, I would.  My two main cookbooks are Nourishing Traditions and an older version of a Betty Crocker cookbook.   I have one MSG Free cookbook, but it isn't very good.  The food is very bland.

I don't think people really grasp how far the arm of excitotoxins can be. Literally everything I can eat needs to be made from scratch and organic.  I have yet to find a ketchup I can have.  The closest I can find is Annie's Organic Ketchup, but it has an "iffy" ingredient.   This isn't too much of a problem, since I don't normally use condiments.  I use it to make barbecue sauce, but I really should be making ketchup from scratch.

We used to let the kids pick one meal to eat out for their birthdays.  I can't do that anymore. Well, I can but I wouldn't get to eat.  They are very understanding, and they don't want to go out if I can't go.  I know my health will be better in the end, but it is still frustrating.  My grocery budget has tripled which really hurts financially.  I find myself slipping on food just because I'm stressed or rushed, and then I am sidelined while I recover from it.

It's very frustrating to want food and not be able to have it.   My diabetic friend understands so I tend to whine to him about it.   It's also frustrating to try and redo how I eat and live while trying to deal with everything else.

Judging by my cold sores, I'm not doing very well in handling it all.

Cold Sores

I hate them.  They are ugly.  They hurt.  They cause the lymph nodes under my jaw to swell.  It is caused by the Herpes Simplex 1 virus.  That sounds so awful: Herpes.  Unfortunately, it is a very common and highly contagious virus.

It can activate under many circumstances, such as:

Fever

Infection, colds and flu

Ultraviolet radiation, such as a sunburn

Stress

Fatigue

Changes in the immune system

Trauma

Food Allergies

Menstruation

Dental work

The main two are a cold (hence the name "cold sore") and stress.  I think it goes without saying that aggravating the break-out area will make it much worse.  I am under stress.  I have the flu.  In fact, at this point in time, I match half that list. I can't take cold medications, so my nose is raw.  Prime conditions for a break-out.

I am having the worse break-out ever.  I tried to be very careful blowing my nose, because I knew it would become raw.  It did despite my efforts.  The virus said, "Paaarrtay!"  and the area under my nose went haywire.  I look like Hitler.  Seriously - if his mustache was red and icky looking.  The front of my throat looks like a bullfrog's.  The right side of my neck looks like Quasimodo's.  I have never had it this bad.

The most common recommendation for healing them is up your Vitamin C and Zinc intake. Adding Echinacea to boost the immune system is also helpful.   If you're stressed, you need to decrease your stress or try something to combat it like Yoga.   Drinking a tea such as Chamomile or a tea made from fresh or freeze-dried Lemon Balm can help with relaxation.   Placing the Lemon Balm tea bag on the cold sore will also help heal it.

My biggest problem right now is my nose is still running.  I'm trying to avoid blowing it, because it just plain HURTS to do so.   I can't always avoid it, so I keep either petroleum jelly or Vicks Baby Care on it to help with protecting and healing.  Baby Care has Lavender added which also helps.

I have to keep my hands clean, so I don't pass it to the kids.  That means I get to wash constantly and carry the bottle of anti-bacterial lotion with me.  I normally don't touch anti-bacterial soaps and lotions, but this is one time I will.


I just pray it goes away quickly,  I can't go anywhere with it.  I'm trying to keep myself calm, but DH definitely isn't helping with that area.

Milk and Dairy

I believe that God has a reason for everything He has said.  In at least 3 verses, God says you should not cook a kid in it's mother's milk.

The one thing I have the most trouble with is the Jewish/Messianic prohibition of milk and dairy.  Meatloaf is not complete without milky mashed potatoes.  A cheeseburger without cheese? No way!

 I began to research it.  The book I recommended before (Holy Cow! Does God Care About What We Eat?) touched on the subject, and the author made a couple of good points.  However, just like I encourage individual research, I wanted to find out for myself.

I wanted to know why God said it.  What on earth could possibly be wrong with cooking meat and milk together?  Many Orthodox Jews and Messianics refuse to even have them at the same meal or on the same plates.  They're not even allowed on the same table. And what about Abraham?    He served God milk, curds and meat.   If it's so bad, why did he do that?

I also have trouble with blind obedience to the Talmud.  I understand that it was to protect the followers from accidentally going against God's commands.  The Rabbis built a fence or hedge around each command to protect the people.  However, I really feel they went way overboard on some things.    I mean really... two sets of pots, pans and dishes?!  I wish I had that much storage. That would be awesome! :D

A word study showed me that the Hebrew word used for "kid" means any livestock animal used for food.  It doesn't mean just goat.  Numerous resources all said the same thing.  Okay, so any food meat cooked in it's mother's milk.  Several reasons were cited for this.

 One is that pagan festivals used cooking meat in milk for fertility rites and other things.  Historically, Jewish people were to separate themselves so they were not confused with idolaters.   This makes sense, but there is no way of knowing if it is the reasoning behind it.

Another is that we will never know why.  God said it.  We do it.  When we get to Heaven we can drive Him nuts asking "Why, why, why?" over and over like a 4 year old which I fully intend to do.

I became sidetracked by the whole Soy/MSG thing.   In the end, it actually answered part of my question.  I learned that milk, cooked for extended periods of time or for high temperatures, will release high levels of free glutamate.    It makes it's own MSG and it can cause the same reactions in MSG sensitive people.   In fact, MSG sensitive people are told to avoid Ultra-Pasteurized milk products, because the pasteurization causes free glutamates as well.

But again - why meat and milk together?

Going back to Abraham, it's realized that nowhere does it say he served it together.  People just assume it was.  All the bible does is list what Abraham served and that he "placed it before them" and "stood by while they ate".    There is no actual time frame.  We know he told Sarah to make cakes, but that isn't listed.  I think it's safe to assume it was also served.

 It could very well be that he served curds and milk first, like an appetizer, so his guests wouldn't go hungry while waiting for the calf to be slaughtered and cooked.  Sounds like something a good host would do, right?  The digestion time of milk and curds isn't very long.  It's an hour at most, so by the time the calf was ready, God's stomach would've been cleared of dairy, and He would've been free to eat the meat.


However, it doesn't say he didn't serve them together.  To me, it's implied they were served together, but I could be wrong. It also doesn't say what God ate.  Abraham put out the food and let his guest decide what he wanted, and kept them company while they ate.  Also sounds like a good host, doesn't it?


The bible says "they ate".  They could've eaten all of it.  They could've eaten part of it.  There is no way of knowing.

Again, the MSG research came into play.  This time it was how foods react with each other and how food digestion works.   This morning I found research that states meat needs the stomach acid to be digested properly, and that milk neutralizes it causing the meat to not digest as it should.  I accidentally shut the page, and I ran out of time to find it again.   I wanted to know if it was all dairy or just milk and how they came by their conclusions.

/headdesk

I'll look again tomorrow, but I wanted to write this while I was thinking about it.


I will edit this later on as I go further into my studies on this topic.  The only conclusions I have for now are these:

1) The Rabbis went overboard on the separate dishes.  There isn't any logical or biblical reason for it.

2) Nothing in the bible says milk and meat can't be served at the same meal.   Even if God didn't eat milk and meat together, at the very least, He did eat them at the same meal.

3) At most, milk and dairy can't be cooked together.  Meatloaf can't have milk added to it, but you can add milk to the side dish of mashed potatoes.


I'll write more about it another time. I needed to start dinner 20 minutes ago.  At this point in time, hungry teens are definitely more dangerous than milk and dairy together.

Decluttering

After a lot of thought and discussion with the kids, we've decided our best option is to get rid of as much as possible.  We are going to sort through each room, pick an item and either sell it or give it away.  I'm fairly certain my eldest daughter will want all the childrens outside play equipment.  We will attempt to sell the big van again.

Things like our computers will be kept.  Mattresses will be kept.  Bed frames, like the bookcase beds the boys have, we're not sure about yet.  I have a lot of homeschooling books I can sell.  We have a pc tower no one uses that can be sold.

I'm comparing costs of moving using a moving company, PODS and a place like U-Haul.  So far, what seems like it will work the best for us is PODS.    I'm estimating up to $5000 for moving.   Now the total cost of this divorce will be at $10,000.

This won't be a problem if the house will sell for a decent price, and the court gives DH the marriage debt.  He has the ability to make about $100,000 a year.  There is no way I can get close to that.   The lawyer said that the debt is normally awarded to the person who makes the most.  I will take my own car payment and my daughter's school loan payment.  I don't think it's fair to saddle him with all of it, despite the fact he has hidden money for years.

We will start this process once everyone is over this flu bug and the papers are filed.  

Diets

Let me first say that I'm not picking on anyone.  I care about everyone on this earth; even those who probably don't deserve it by societies standards.  I especially care about my friends, both off and online.  

This has been on my mind, and bugged me,  for a long time.  It is an issue that brings me a lot of confusion, so I usually refrain from participating in discussions.

You ready?

You want to know what it is?

 Diets.

I know, I know.  Weird, huh?  But this issue confuses me.

I'm not talking about me going on one.  I'm the first to admit my eating habits aren't the best.  Technically, my eating habits are going through a major overhaul just because of soy and MSG.  Once I get those straight, then I'll worry about health, though they are going hand-in-hand lately.

Notice I said "health" not "weight".  I want to eat for health.

I have done a ton of food research as it relates to health.  I mean A LOT of research.  I haven't had a choice.  If I don't research, I end up sick.

 I disagree with the USDA food program.  I disagree with what most dieticians and "fitness experts" teach.  I do not believe in mass produced supplements.  They do not absorb into the body as getting that item in it's natural state would.   I'm not even going into the coatings used on them.

Natural, organic herbals, when made correctly, are usually fine.  I've used them with good results for illnesses.

What bugs me are my friends, who are Believers, going on diets.  Atkins, South Beach, T-Tapp, Nutrisystems, diet shakes are all I see mentioned when people talk about diets.   These are believers in Yeshua.  They are my spiritual brothers and sisters.  Yet not one of the "diet talkers" talks about eating God's diet.

I don't know why, but this really bugs me.

Why don't they just eat God's diet?

Food verses are all over the bible.  Leviticus has a lot of them. I won't go into the whole kosher vs non-kosher debate right now, but science has proven the forbidden animals in the Bible are bad for the human body.   In fact, look up food science and compare it to bible verses and, what do you know, God was right the whole time.

*insert shocked face here*

So, stay away from pork, shellfish et. al.  They are bottom and carrion feeders.  If you really want to be grossed out, go study how their systems work and what it does to our bodies when we eat them.  Even my shrimp-loving child can't eat them anymore based on science alone.   She starts to gag, because she thinks about what she's eating.

A very easy to understand book is Holy Cow!  Does God Care What We Eat?  We used it as our jumping off point for food studies.  This was before the MSG/Soy thing came into play.  Maybe God was preparing me.  I don't know.  I do know that our food studies expanded greatly after that.

Let me insert here:  Everyone is at a different place in their walk with God.  It is possible that He just hasn't shown them His plan for eating yet.  Some people can't eat certain foods due to health issues or allergies. I always try to keep this in mind before I open my mouth about any issue.  Sometimes I fail.  Okay, a lot of times I fail.  I'm sure God just heaves a sigh and thinks, Okay, let's try this with her again.  One day she'll get the whole "think before speaking" thing.

Back to the topic -

There are so many verses about food that I could take all day putting them into this post, but I really don't have time to do that.  Plus, I believe people need to go look for themselves.  Never just take what someone writes at face value.  Always look it up for yourself. I will post a few, but there are so many more that may speak to someone moreso than these will.

Daniel 1:12

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

¹² “Please test your servants for ten days, and let us be given some vegetables to eat and water to drink."

Go to the text and read the whole circumstance under which Daniel said this, but the basic idea is that he did not want to eat bad food and go against what God commanded.    It is clear they were quite healthy when the time period was over compared to their counterparts who ate food they shouldn't.

Proverbs 23:20-21

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

²⁰ Do not be with heavy drinkers of wine,
Or with gluttonous eaters of meat;
²¹ For the heavy drinker and the glutton will come to poverty,
And drowsiness will clothe one with rags.

Eating meat and drinking wine is fine.  Heavy drinking and eating a lot of meat is not.  This "meat" part is contrary to one diet people tend to like.  The "drowsiness" part is true.  Too much of either makes you sleepy and unable to move very well.    

Science has also shown that eating small amounts of red meat is good for you, but large amounts can lead to cancer and heart disease.  Of course, there are other reasons for this as well such as the feed used, pesticides, etc.  But doesn't God see everything?  Is it possible He forsaw this and that is why He has it mentioned?  

Granted, man has corrupted most of the food God made.  There is repeated proof that almost every disease man has is man-made.   Again, go do your research.  Let me stop myself before I go down that rabbit trail (dang rabbits).

If we jump to the beginning of the bible, we see in Genesis:

Genesis 1:29

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

²⁹ Then God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the ^[a]surface of all the earth, and every tree^[b]which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you;

Footnotes:

1. Genesis 1:29 Lit face of
2. Genesis 1:29 Lit in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed

BUT we also have to keep in mind this verse:

Genesis 1:11

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

¹¹ Then God said, “Let the earth sprout ^[a]vegetation, ^[b]plants yielding seed, and fruit trees on the earth bearing fruit after^[c]their kind ^[d]with seed in them”; and it was so.

Footnotes:

1. Genesis 1:11 Or grass
2. Genesis 1:11 Or herbs
3. Genesis 1:11 Lit its
4. Genesis 1:11 Lit in which is its seed

He gave us fruits and vegetables.  We are to eat what HE gave us, not what man has created through genetics.  This is important, because genetically modified food is being proven as a disease and illness instigator.  MSG comes from genetically altered food products.   It is bad for us.  

A controversial food item is Soy.  Soy has good points, but it also has a lot of bad points especially for men since it binds to estrogen.  I can't eat it.  In it's natural state, it's extremely high in free glutamates.  When messed with, the glutamate levels explode.  This is very bad for your body and your brain.   It is especially bad for MSG sensitive people.  MSG is a free glutamate. 

We have girls starting their periods at younger ages.  Go see how many soy products they're eating.  Soy is in almost everything.  My youngest daughter is allergic to it.  That's how I know.  Even organic items aren't safe now.  You have to read everything.  Soy is used for menopausal women as a hormone replacement.  Um, hello?

Go do your research.  I literally have to research each food item.  I don't just research rice.  I have to research brown vs white, what is done to each, what is sprayed on each (fyi, always wash your rice!), etc.  Failure to do this can result in me becoming sick. 

Another thing that bugs me is when people complain that they aren't losing weight, yet they don't actively exercise by their own admission.  Again, biblically, we are to work except on the Sabbath.  We are to move.  We are to be active.  

Again, science has backed God up on this.  We are a machine.  We need to be used.  We need to be moving.  If we don't, our parts start to lock up.

"I eat potatoes and bananas all the time, but I can't seem to lose my stomach fat, and I'm tired a lot."

I have diabetic friends who can't eat potatoes or bananas.  They cause a sharp rise in blood sugar and screw with insulin levels.  This is where the word "moderation" comes in.  Raw spinach is good for you.  Too much raw spinach can give you mouth ulcers.  Unaltered water is good for you (not city water which has a lot of chemicals), but too much water can cause Water Intoxication.   It can lead to death.

Fruits and vegetables are great as long as you don't "overdose" on specific ones.  The key is variety.   

So, what are you getting from this?  Anything?  Do a food study.  What did you see in it?

What I get is that God wants us to eat only the things God creates, not man.  

Our diet should be water, a huge variety of organic heirloom vegetables and fruits (more veggie than fruit since fruit can cause sugar spikes), and small amounts of protein, nuts and grains.

If you're missing a mineral or vitamin from your diet, don't grab the supplements.  Grab the food item that contains it.  There are circumstances where certain foods just aren't available in certain areas.  If that is the case, then you need to research the supplement carefully and find one that closely mimics it's own natural state.  

As I said, my eating habits are terrible.  I do love me some Lays Potato Chips (the only kind I can eat), and people will die if I don't have my coffee in the morning.  

I have so much going on right now, but at some point I will be taking on my own health.  However, I won't be turning to "man's" diet.  I will be turning to the bible.  I hope that doesn't come off as "holier than thou".  It's not how I mean it.  I just don't understand why people are turning to man instead of God.