Sometimes I feel like an outcast.  I feel out of place in this world as if I am not supposed to be here.  A lone salmon fighting to swim upstream with so many other salmon yet totally alone.   I think this is more pronounced when I am around other believers.  Even among then I feel as if I don't belong.  I think it is the opposite of what I should feel.

I belong to a group of ladies whom, for the most part, are great ladies.  I've belonged to this group for years. However, again I feel as if I don't belong.

I sit here watching life swirl around me, and I don't want to join it.  It takes too much effort, and it hurts too much.  I find myself escaping into an online life that only keeps me from facing the problems and dealing with them, but it is oh-so-much easier to lose myself in it.  There are no worries and little stress.

It's been implied, and outright said, that I am not a believer or good person if I leave my husband.  I guess because he doesn't physically abuse me, it's not acceptable for me to leave.  The "accidents" could be just accidents. Am I supposed to stay with someone I don't trust?  Am I supposed to stay with someone who lies to me constantly?

There are too many outside forces confusing me.  Too many stresses and people imputing into my brain. I need a week or two alone to get my thoughts straight, but I that isn't going to happen.