I am questioning myself constantly.  I know part of it is because my self-confidence in my judgement has taken a blow.   Should I stay?  Should I go?  Should I keep the house?  Should we both move and sell it?  Am I going to make things worse for myself or better by filing? Questions upon questions upon questions...

I even ask myself if it can be worked out, even though I know it can't.  I asked him if he wanted to be married.  He said yes.  I told him if he did it again we were done. He agreed.  He did it again.   It's been 10 months since then.  When I think back to all the lies he's told through our marriage - there is no trust left.  When I think back to the "accidents" - were they or were they deliberate?

I promised my mom to wait until after the holidays.  Then I had to wait for the taxes to be done.  How I felt when he did it sort of got pushed to the back of my mind until this short trip happened.  I was tense throughout it, even though I knew he wouldn't come back with a lot of extra money.  I also knew he wouldn't tell me if he had any.  He didn't.

The worst part is he doesn't seem to think he's doing anything wrong.   He tells outrageous lies about it that can be easily checked.  Why does he do that?  I don't get it.  It's obvious they are lies, but he seems to think they're believable... or I'm stupid... maybe both.

I don't want to make the wrong decision, but am I hesitating because of that or because of fear?