DH informed me that he will be going out of town for work in mid-April. It will only be for one week. However, every muscle in my body tensed up. I have figured that he gets about an extra $100 per week he is gone.
While it is only about $100 this time, the lies and hiding that go with it have me tense. I guess this is a good thing. It has been so long since he last went on a trip, the stress it caused me has kind of left my mind. I started thinking that maybe I should just stay - mainly for the financial security.
The immediate muscle tensing, the immediate suspicion, the immediate resentment that hit me when he told me he was going out of town forced me to rethink that.
Do I really want to go through this every time?
Do I really want to live with someone who does nothing but lie so he can have what he wants?
Do I really want to be married to someone who never really has an opinion, but if I go against what he wants he goes passive-aggressive?
Do I want to be married to someone who, after asking me for my opinion (rarely), does what he wants anyhow?
The flip side of this is:
Do I want to struggle financially after becoming single?
Just thinking about him leaving for this trip has my shoulders bunched. So, yes, I think having to struggle financially would be worth not living with someone whom I cannot trust.
People say God will take care of me. Honestly, I'm not feeling God around right now. I know He is. I just don't feel Him.
I feel completely alone.
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