Eldest Daughter

   Mental illness runs on both sides of my children's family.  Looking back, I constantly ask myself, "If I had known then what I know now, would I have had children?"  I probably would have.  I've always wanted to be a mom.

  The circumstances surrounding my eldest daughter's past has been bothering me lately.  I'm the only one who knows what really happened.  I'm the only one who knows how dangerous she was.  I'm the only one who knows that, despite how much she blames me for her "sucky" childhood, the only reason she isn't locked up is because of the way I raised her.

   Though, when she first began showing dangerous patterns, the child psychologist we saw did want to lock her up for 30-60 days with no outside contact.  I refused, because my baby girl was 3 years old.   Three.  And she was already becoming a killer.   It might sound dramatic, but by the age of 4 she had already tried to harm or kill four people within a 6 month time period.

   Had anyone told me that a 3-4 year old could plan, and try to carry out, harming someone I would've laughed in their face.   However, I saw her do it.  I heard her reasons, and they horrified me.

    Even she doesn't know the full story of her past.  I didn't want her growing up with a mindset that she was dangerous.  I wanted to see if the shrink was right, and I could do a sort of intensive therapy at home.  I wanted my baby girl to be normal.  Maybe part of it was denial.  Maybe part of it was hope that things could be changed.  The shrink said the biggest thing would be her upbringing, but some things we would probably never be able to change.

  It seems to have worked.  She is still narcissistic.  She still shows signs of being a sociopath as far as lacking feelings/fooling people into thinking she is very empathetic.   She is very good at playing the loving, caring person.  Her younger 3 siblings and I have seen the real her.  We can't be fooled.

     But she hasn't harmed anyone.  That is the important part. That is the success.   She is married, though I don't know for how long this time.  As long as he lives up to her fantasy, she will stay married to him.

  Maybe later I will write down the full story.  I feel like I need to tell it.  I've kept it to myself for almost 30 years now.  I don't think I want to keep it anymore.