In Addition to the Movies and Money

About a week ago, my youngest, who just received his driver's license, woke up 10 minutes after he was suppose to leave for work.  He flew through the house, jumped in the minivan and moved it from behind the kid car.

2 days ago, I was sick.  Yesterday, I was sicker.  Today, I feel terrible and am much worse.   I can't get anything done.  That means something is building up in my system.  It is obviously a reaction.  The only thing I've eaten all three days is Lays Potato Chips.   Today, as I was bent over for a minute in pain, I remembered that I'd had a reaction before to something I seemed to be okay eating.

Not good news on trading in the van.  One dealer will do $1000.  Another one will do $1200.    KBB says this van is worth $2500 on trade-in, however the dealers say these vans don't move well in this area.  They have to price them cheap in order to sell them.  Yeah, sorry - not buying it.

Fear - Again

Why is fear so crippling?  It's like a warden keeping you prisoner in your own mind.   I'm writing a short story based on that premise, because that is what it feels like to me.

Another Car

I've decided I absolutely must get rid of our 15 passenger.  However, my daughter needs a car to use.  Usually one of the two kids who work will take the "kid" car, which leaves me either driving the second one or one has to take my minivan.

As I said in a previous post - After DH's trip, I kept putting off asking him about the money.  I kept telling myself it wouldn't be much and not worth worrying about.   Two days after he got home, I woke up and his wallet was right there, so I checked it.  It held almost $70.   I had to admit to myself that I put off asking, because if he lied again I wouldn't be able to ignore it.

Yesterday, Mother's Day...yeah.  Not a thing was done for me by anyone.  I don't expect much, but a "Happy Mother's Day" would've been nice.  I would've been fine with that, because I do believe certain holidays like Mother's Day or Valentine's Day are days for card companies.  I believe you should be showing your love every day and doing "random acts of love" (as we call it) throughout the year.

Movies

     Yesterday, I told DH and the boys to go to the movies for a father/son day.  My eldest son had already seen the movie, so he stayed home.   I said they couldn't spend a ton eating food, but popcorn and soda are okay.  Or they could get appetizers.  It's also a restaurant with very high priced food which is usually heated from a frozen state.  I went to check the bank account today, because of a possible double charge from haircuts, and saw the amount from the theater.  I went upstairs and asked why the food part was so high. DH bought all: sodas and popcorn for each person plus two plates of appetizers.

One More Chance?

I didn't ask DH about this last trip and money.  I told myself it was because it was such a small amount.  The truth is I'm tired of being lied to by people especially guys.    I decided I'm going to ask him if he had any extra money from the last trip.    I already know he did, but I want to see what he says.

A Lot of Thinking - Again

  I've been doing so much thinking about whether or not to go forward with the divorce.  The finances are the biggest thing. I just can't seem to get to the point of trusting God to take care of the kids and I.  

  Bad things happen during divorces.  Judges sometimes make the wrong choices if the couple disagree on certain points.   I'm afraid I won't be able to afford things many take for granted like having internet.   That sounds kind of stupid, but I keep in touch with grandchildren and other family through it.  My cell doesn't have international calling.   My daughter got rid of her cell phone, so we tend to talk through Facebook.

  I know DH had money he hid from his past trip.  I checked his wallet.   I really can't get past the sneakiness and lying.  If someone says they want to stay married, but then do what they know will end the marriage, then is it worth staying?

  My youngest son passed his driving test, so I no longer need to worry about driving him back and forth to work.  That was a big thing I needed done.

   I wish I could get things worked out in my own head.   I think I'll call the lawyer this week and talk to him about everything.   I also need to redo the numbers and see if I can make it in a worse case scenario.

Kefir Water

Reading the instructions of re-hydrating the Kefir grains, it tells me that I should have 3-4 tbsp of grains.   It honestly looks like more of 1/2 cup of grains.

There is a warning that the kefir grains may not act like they should for a few weeks, but it seems to be working so far.  Today, I changed from re-hydrating the grains to making Kefir water.    The kids are looking forward to the "soda" we will make after the water is done.

I'm still praying I don't blow up any bottles.

Kefir Grains

I completely forgot about my kefir grains.  Today, I am going to re-hydrate  those puppies.   Hopefully, it will make good kefir water that I can turn into kefir soda.

Ah the joys of relearning how to eat.  :)

Eldest Daughter

   Mental illness runs on both sides of my children's family.  Looking back, I constantly ask myself, "If I had known then what I know now, would I have had children?"  I probably would have.  I've always wanted to be a mom.

  The circumstances surrounding my eldest daughter's past has been bothering me lately.  I'm the only one who knows what really happened.  I'm the only one who knows how dangerous she was.  I'm the only one who knows that, despite how much she blames me for her "sucky" childhood, the only reason she isn't locked up is because of the way I raised her.

   Though, when she first began showing dangerous patterns, the child psychologist we saw did want to lock her up for 30-60 days with no outside contact.  I refused, because my baby girl was 3 years old.   Three.  And she was already becoming a killer.   It might sound dramatic, but by the age of 4 she had already tried to harm or kill four people within a 6 month time period.

   Had anyone told me that a 3-4 year old could plan, and try to carry out, harming someone I would've laughed in their face.   However, I saw her do it.  I heard her reasons, and they horrified me.

    Even she doesn't know the full story of her past.  I didn't want her growing up with a mindset that she was dangerous.  I wanted to see if the shrink was right, and I could do a sort of intensive therapy at home.  I wanted my baby girl to be normal.  Maybe part of it was denial.  Maybe part of it was hope that things could be changed.  The shrink said the biggest thing would be her upbringing, but some things we would probably never be able to change.

  It seems to have worked.  She is still narcissistic.  She still shows signs of being a sociopath as far as lacking feelings/fooling people into thinking she is very empathetic.   She is very good at playing the loving, caring person.  Her younger 3 siblings and I have seen the real her.  We can't be fooled.

     But she hasn't harmed anyone.  That is the important part. That is the success.   She is married, though I don't know for how long this time.  As long as he lives up to her fantasy, she will stay married to him.

  Maybe later I will write down the full story.  I feel like I need to tell it.  I've kept it to myself for almost 30 years now.  I don't think I want to keep it anymore.

New Blog

I decided to start a blog about self-reliance and preparedness.

http://mainelyliving.blogspot.com/

I'm not going to link back here from it.