Divorce ~ the Beginning

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

How many times have we been asked that question?  My answer was always "a nurse and mom" or  "a teacher and mom".   I was always either nursing my baby dolls or teaching them.   I had high expectations of finding Mr. Right, getting married, having a ton of kids and growing old together with the love of my life. Marriage was forever.  I wouldn't end up a "statistic".  My marriage would not fail despite starting for all the wrong reasons.

Never did I expect my future to be "a divorced, single mom and not have any marketable skills that I'm aware of".   Yet that is where I am going to find myself.

I never expected bad things to happen to me while growing up. I never expected to be forced into marriage, because I was pregnant.  I never expected my husband to be the way he is.  I never expected to not go back to school.  I never expected to be so far in debt.   So many things I never expected, yet now I have to deal with them all.

*insert massive tantrum that would put any toddler to shame*

Throughout the past 25+ years, I tried to fix things with my husband.  I tried being the dutiful wife who is always obedient - after all, it was all my fault, right?  Biggest. Mistake. Ever. I've repeatedly tried to talk to him.  All I got were promises with no actions.  He says what he needs to say to shut me up, then continues doing what he wants.  In all honesty, my roll is the cook, nanny and housekeeper.  If I don't "do my jobs", or do what he wants, then he gets back at me but that is a whole different post.

The last conversation we had about his behaviors ended in another promise to stop and my telling him that if he didn't stop we were done.  Fast-forward 3 months: he is looking me in the eyes, smiling and lying to my face.  Even the kids, who were present, knew it.  The smile is what got to me as did him doing it in front of the kids.

The next day I began calling lawyers. Lawyer #1 never bothered to return my call.  I waited a week then moved on.   Lawyer #2 was a lawyer we'd used in a financial matter.  No one in the practice could touch it, because they'd represented us both.  It was a conflict of interest. Lawyer #3 had the nicest receptionist ever.   We played phone tag for a week then finally talked.

He gave me an immediate free phone consultation.  He was very nice, told me his experience with divorces, basic support figures I could expect, advised me on military retirement spousal rights, told me my rights filing on my own opposed to hiring a lawyer (which he highly recommended because of the military benefits and personal property), etc.   He even offered to give me phone numbers of female lawyers if I was uncomfortable with a male.  I was also informed that an uncontested divorce takes about 6 months.  A contested one can take longer.

All this for the one-time low price of ...

* drum roll, please!*

...$3000.

That's if my husband doesn't fight it.  If he fights it, I'm looking at $4000-$5000.

=:O

I think I was in shock for about an hour after hanging up.  I have a thing about finances.   I also have a thing about spending large amounts of money.   I don't mind spending money on things like a good camera that I will never have to replace unless the zombie apocalypse happens, and they try to eat it.  By then I'd have other things to worry about like keeping my brains intact.  But $3000 on a divorce?

This is why we have friends who can give us a different perspective.  I was asked, "How much would you pay to be happy?  Would you be willing to pay $3-5k? Are you willing to risk losing the military things in order to save money?  How much is $3000 compared to losing the retirement income you're entitled to, because you don't know the legal system?"  All are good points.

If we didn't have the cars, the house or military retirement items to deal with I could just file myself for about $300-500.  However, I need the medical and dental benefits.  I need my share of the monthly retirement income.  I want half of the retirement account, and I think I deserve it.  The kids want to stay with me, so I need the house for now.

This is where all the fear and worry kicks in.   I go back and forth about all the possibilities and things that can go wrong and off my brain goes.  Yep, I can feel that cortisol heaping up in my stomach area as I type.

Had things gone according to my initial plan, I would be single now.  But I called my mom to let her know what I was planning.  I should have done that after I filed.  My mom is not in good health.  Every year she's here is one more year I'm thankful.

She begged me to "not ruin the kids holidays".   I tried telling her the kids already knew.   She became more and more upset.  So, in order to calm my mom, I promised to wait until Christmas was over.  The bible does say to honor your mother and father, and that was also part of the reason I agreed.  My mom is smart.  She knows that was a one time deal.

I called the lawyer to inform him, and he said, "If you can tolerate it, I'd wait until the taxes are filed.  You'll have an accurate and recent accounting to take to the judge."  Really? Oy.  It does make sense, so that is where I am right now.  I'm waiting for the taxes to be filed and the end of the year statement from retirement savings.

I know my husband thinks he's gotten away with it.  I also know he doesn't think I'll divorce him.  Am I scared?  You bet your sweet Aunt Cookie I am.   I'm also afraid of his reaction.  However, I'm tired.  I'm stressed.  As a result of the situation, the kids are stressed.  I'm so far beyond done.  I want it over.  I want to move on with my life.

So, back I go to waiting...