Fear and Writing

“You’re so strong.”

“I wish I was strong like you.”

I never know how to react when people say things like that.

Me?

Strong?

I don't feel strong at all. I feel weak. Fear is my constant companion. I am immobilized from it on so many fronts. I am in a constant state of worry about everything.

During recent "belly fat" research, I discovered that stress releases cortisol. High levels of cortisol, like those present in chronic stress, causes abdominal fat to build. Being in a constant stress state has contributed to my belly.

>.>

*hides the bag of chips*

<.<

It took me weeks to set up this blog. I was too afraid. I’m not a writer despite several friends telling me I should write. I tend to write like I speak. Sometimes it's very confusing for people even though it makes sense in my head.

I hate trying to remember grammar usage and punctuation. In fact, I skipped over half my high school grammar classes. Yes, I disliked it that much. Mention diagramming sentences and I begin to twitch. Sometimes I drool. My eyes roll back into my head. It's not a pretty sight.

I taught at a christian school for a year. The head of the school, who was also the English teacher, would go on about how she loved diagramming sentences. I could only stare at her in horror. I'm sure she actually lived in a wonderful padded room with a designer wraparound jacket.

I also love rabbit trails.

Back to the topic.

My best male friend once said, “You create your own fear by over-thinking everything. You keep concentrating on every little thing that can go wrong. Try thinking about what can go right.”

That is probably one of the smartest things anyone has said to me. Putting it into practice, however, is not so easy. In fact, I find it difficult. People think I’m a procrastinator. I am, but it’s partially motivated by fear. The rest is pure laziness. (I mean, really, how many times can one clean a closet before realizing coats hate staying on hangers?)

I need to get a divorce. “Need”, not “want”. I have tried for 5+ years to fix this marriage. I finally realized it can’t be fixed, because the other party won’t try. The emotional damage is high. It is a major cause of my "fear thinking". I can’t file because of fear. I’m afraid of ending up homeless. I’m afraid of not being able to support myself. I’m afraid of failing on my own. My biggest fear is I’m afraid of one daughter using it against me and not allowing me to see my grandsons.

What's even worse is he knows it. He's counting on it. Only recently did I realize he is using it to control.

I need to go back to school, but I’m afraid to. What if I can’t get in? What if I’m not smart enough? What if I can’t afford it? Again, what if I fail? What will I do? Which degree or program should I take?

I finally decided on nursing and discovered I can’t enter the program in this state. I can’t have the required vaccines. That didn't help. It made things worse, because one of my fears came true. If one comes true, how many others will?

I have an issue with financial matters. I don't need to be rich. I just need to know I can eat and have a roof over my head. I need to have income. I have none. One person suggested I write stories or articles for the website "Hubpages." Yeah... right. Another suggested I set up an Etsy store and sell my amigurumi and costumes. That is a possibility, but what if nothing sells?

One person said to me, “You’re terrified of spiders, but your desk is in ‘spider central’. Why?” My desk is in the basement, because it is the only place that makes sense for it. I deal with my arachnophobia one eight-legged terror at a time - sometimes at high volume.

Another friend said, “This is where you have to trust God. This is where you have to let go of the fear and believe He will take care of you.” Isaiah 41:10; Matthew 10:31; Psalm 56:11

I have to what? Let go? Trust God? Is she kidding me?

I do trust God... with other peoples' lives. When it comes to my own that fear kicks in. I need to control my own life. I need to know where I'm going. God doesn't always like to inform me of such things. In fact, God has a sense of humor. I know he does. He has to in order to deal with me. He likes to keep me guessing. He knows it drives me nuts.

Is He trying to teach me to lean on Him? Given all I know about myself and Him I'd say so. I refuse to lean on anyone because of my past. This has been a bone of contention between us. I am afraid to do it. Deep down I know He won't let me down. I'm just afraid to give up control.

One day I was told, “You know what makes you strong? It’s that you face your fears. In your own time, in your own way, eventually you take a fear and push through it until you've achieved what you wanted to achieve.”

Does that make me strong? They seem to think so. I’m not so sure. I guess only time will tell.